Who Am I?

Who am I?

You know, I’ve always had a problem with identification

There are days when I look in the mirror and I’m not quite sure I like what is looking back at me.

There are days when I’m too fat and days when I’m too spotty or I don’t like my hair or something. The list goes on and on.

But it doesn’t stop there. Sometimes my clothes bother me. There are times I’m frustrated that I cannot fit into my present ensemble... If I’d dare to call it that

There were days too, when the way others were so comfortable with themselves bothered me, or troubled me, because I was so far away from what I wanted to be or wanted to do. I guess I envied people who were so settled in their ways. I can safely say I don’t feel that way anymore.

I always have problems with my own identification.

And it got me to thinking, as always; “What am I going to do now?”

When I was too fat, I ran until I was thin again. That felt good. But I have problems in being thin... I eat too much to maintain it. And I LIKE eating! Still, I run all the time to do my level best to keep my weight to a degree that I can grin when I look in the mirror... I don’t like being fat either, after all. I also notice some people get upset when I say I like running so much. That is ok. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. It’s ok to be happy with yourself!

I have been many things in my time too; a school kid, an underachieving student, a waiter, a warehouse worker, an office worker, a labourer and a whole lot more. I never stayed with any of them. I didn’t fully enjoy them, you see. When I got home at the end of the day I didn’t feel like I wanted to be one of them tomorrow... and I guess that continued until I didn’t have to be them for eight hours of my day any more. The only thing I missed was the money... and I usually ended up giving that to shop keepers and barmen. I guess I didn’t want to be rich either.

And so it’s gotten me thinking about my education and what I actually want in life. Every day I see people merit themselves on their achievements... which I guess brings about a certain level of happiness to them. “That must be a good feeling” I say to myself often. And I have gone beyond the point of begrudging anyone of anything they like... especially if they are a friend. I want my friends to be happy. And my family too. I tried to earn diplomas, certificates and I even tried to post the results for all to see when I achieved them. But that didn’t make me happy. I don’t like to merit myself it seems. So it turned out that I didn’t identify with that. I’m not sure I’m finished with education. I see myself lean towards Sociology, Politics, writing, and Philosophy in future. I reckon I’ll do them to please myself, when the time is right. But it still makes me queasy to think of identifying with it. I am not a piece of paper, so I will not label myself as paper. When I get home from a lecture or a seminar, I probably won’t want to be a politician or a philosopher any more. I find myself always trying to tip the balance between what I want to be and identifying with it. I end up getting nothing done! This is why I would not begrudge anyone who makes the decision and goes through with it! Just personally, I’d like to be a little more than words, if possible.

So then, who am I?

I don’t know and I probably never will. I am happy to subscribe to that viewpoint. I know there are things I would like to do, eventually. I once thought I would like to visit Australia, not as a traveller or backpacker, a doctor or a tradesman, but just as myself. Here I am. While I am here, I will try not  to be a fruit picker, labourer, traveller, barman or anything, I just want to be myself and have a good time doing it, whatever “it” happens to be. I have wasted so much time wondering who I was that I never did what I wanted. When I make a decision, I will do so without bias, without irrationality and without pressure, to myself of course. I will do whatever gets me from A to B just as myself. When I introduce myself, I will not push my views nor restrict those coming in. I always like to think that people will view me as I do them; just another person going around trying to get the best out of life with what little they have. It could be a family, a job, a home or an ongoing education. Fair enough, it’s whatever gets you through the day. Forget the identification and use the happiness it gives you as the fuel.

I always found the desire to be something or somebody amazing actually stopped me from being who I always was! Quite who that is now, is a mystery still. I’ll never know. I guess I’ll just be whoever you meet me as next time I’m around. Same old Matt or a bigger, older wiser version? Hmmm, if I’m lucky, I suppose. I guess the reason I don’t get on with a know-it-all is because they want an identity tied to where they work, what they do, or what organisation they belong to or whatever they happen to be learning at the time. When was the last time a person was just... a person? Thankfully those I get on with and talk to always seem to be the ones that enjoy being themselves, but I wouldn’t say that is just a coincidence either.

Goddamn... I have well and truly talked my way in circles now!

Create a World

God is an important concept to me. Yeah, that may sound sad to say, at least to the stringently atheist of you out there. But I couldn't give a shit about what you think... And that's where the good concept starts. The god I care about is not an idol. It is a state of mind. I'll explain a little bit. First I want to talk about idols. Let's take a look at religious iconography for one. You look at a statue of Jesus or whatever and you see a collection of ideas or doctrines, you see boundaries and directives. When I see the long haired renaissance Jesus paintings, I see what was a shared vision of a lord, like some kind of land owner with conditions. In my mind, when you idolise a lord he represents a set number of values and the more you close in on them, the more narrow they become. After all, can one know a particle, fully? Its hard to understand the unknown! Is there a God particle? Can we ever find it?  Suddenly, The god is gone and you are left with laws. Lots of laws and directives that some really good stuff cones from... With belief though, not so good.  Restricted and bound, perhaps in a plaster cast shaped as a statue of Jesus. Or Buddha. Or whatever. Your ideas narrow. No wonder Muslims don't want Mohammed "represented". They must think we're completely nuts. As with God particles and God representations... The two just do not seem compatible. To me, at least. I really don't think even Jesus would have approved of the "idea" of God, you know, His father! God gave you simple directive; no idols! And what did you do? You made idols of an idea of an image of a collection of stories his friends gave you as third party! He'd be spinning in his tomb!  But anyway, I was saying that god was an important concept to me. Yes indeed, it is. I don't think of a god, a supreme omnipotent watcher with a big grey beard. I don't see anything. Clarity, hugeness, border less infinity and possibility are god to me. How much more loving can you get than freedom and chance, risk and reward? If you live someone, even a concept, set it free! Freedom of mind and body! Who needs a defined, limited set of laws trapped in an idol; a representation of someones vision? Too wrapped up on what god is it seems to me. There is no "is" or "it". And it's as simple as removing personal restrictions and concepts that puts you closer, I think. They say God created the world in seven days. He made a,b,c on the first day and x,y,z on the last. I do this every day. I create worlds in my mind and I go where I choose, behave in a manner that is fair to others and true to myself. And the funny thing? I don't want to kill anyone! Not sinner or saint. Not even someone who doesn't share my idea of god.  Now ain't that strange? I don't care about the Christian or muslim ideas of god no more than I care for Marx or Dawkins. They are all idols, equally. A bunch of ideas trapped in a man, or statue of one. Sure, they might have had good ideas at one stage, but ideas are personal things that spread like a virus; each strain gets stronger the more its spread and people scurry and get angrier looking for a cure and fight over the ideas. Ideas are poisonous when practiced by the ill. Well, Ill Of mind, at least! What a vicious cycle to be stuck in. Why would you choose to be angry anyway?  You need a fresh and open mind for unaffected, great ideas. And they can make you feel pretty feckin good when put into practice. But be careful who you share them with, ok? 

It's all good!

I was angry once but I'm not any more LOL

End All or Be All

So I had a thought today. I thought, if God is loving and all powerful, there would be no suffering as He has the power to change it Himself. And because we are made in His image, we try to help each other as He, assumingly, would too. Still no sign of it. In fact, "the ways of God are not for man to know. Well then, how do YOU know that is so, if the ways of God are not for man to know?
If the Universe was God, there would be suffering, because we were all equal under the Universal principle that we exist within it's chaotic structure, so why wouldn't we suffer? I thought about the human principle of "If you know better or can help, then you should" which falls under the principle of "with great power comes responsibility". After all, that is how evolution allowed us to be here in the first place... our ancestors helped our own lineage to survive.  Anyway, I digress.
So, If there are people who believe in a God that pretty much has no hand in our day to day affairs, lets people starve and lets wars and dictators become the everyday norm, they pretty much decide not to help or intervene because the greater good, apparently wants the world to be this way... in other words, they don't want to help because they think their God will. However, those who think that nature is their God believe we should help each other and not wait for the miraculous hand to intervene... like it ever will, according to their logic. After all, "the Lord works in mystrious ways"... not at all. I mean, are we to believe that a storm that stops an invasion or that a disease that irradicates a people is a "miraculous intervention guided by Gods hand", or is it perhaps, nature doing it's thing? If so, then does that not make God and Nature one and the same thing? If you are going to wait for "God" or "Nature" to do it's thing, then why call it God to begin with? Why not just get up and help your fellow man in the mean time, before that "miracle" that somehow manages to kill people in their droves. How can that be "Good"? I somehow always think that religion must carry a bias, in order to make it an appealing group. Nature is not biased. I guess that is why so many flout religion these days... they don't want to alienate each other on their native planet, whether they be gay, black, Muslim, Christian, Atheist or any other condemned by exclusive religious law. Surely, if religion is your cup of tea, you'll  have a better chance of getting through the pearly gates if you accept, help and integrate rather than condemn, opress and single-out. Religion is supposed to reflect the good in your heart, not the Bad in your mind.
If the Universe/Nature and God are one and the same in the "ultimate end".. that same end that consists of "all God's children" whether the believe and repent or not, dying off and going towards their rapture or their cessation, depending on what you believe, then why not just accept and move on, while you are still alive? Have a good life and ensure that your fellow man does too? Why wait to be a good person? Wait for rewards after you die? Why not do it now and reap the benefits in "the next life"? Good is not exclusive... it's supposed to be easy. You have to work really hard to be a bastard, so I'm told :P

Perhaps religion is a wedge between nature and spirituality. Perhaps nature is a wedge between religion and apathy. Who knows? There will always be people who disagree, no matter what you believe or don't believe in. But keep an open mind. Try to understand.

That is all I wanted to say.



By the way, I am not singling out any one religion and continue to respect the beliefs of everyone. We are all equal and have the right to think, fell and practice whatever we want to... so long as it hurts no-one in the mean-time.

Good day :)